Learning To Trust Others First Begins With Learning To Trust Ourselves

Trust is a funny thing, either you have it or you don't. When it comes to the question of trust, most psychologists agree with Bowlby's theory of attachment. If an infant is raised in an environment where their caretaker(s) is present and nurturing then more often then not the child trusts that the world is a safe place to explore. That being said, even the most trusting of children can lose their ability to trust if their is family is fractured by divorce or death. Trust is the glue that binds relationships. If that element is not the foundation of any relationship, then like a poorly built boat, eventually it will spring a leak and sink. Trust can be as elusive as a jaguar, and as resilient as nature. The key to trusting others, begins with a strong trust in self. That means knowing who we are and having faith that we can pick people to care about us that are worthy of our love. It also means knowing when things are not healthy for us and having the trust we need to move on. How do we trust ourselves? The first step is being honest enough with oneself to acknowlege that we don't have trust in ourselves. This is typically obvious in the quality of our life and relationships. If we are not happy, then we are not trusting our worth. When we trust in ourselves, we know that we deserve joy thus we seek out only those people and experiences that honor us. If we are totally honest with ourselves, we can recall relationships that we knew were not entirely healthy for us. Not necessarily destructive, but simply not supportive of our intrinsic value. Most of us eventually walked a way, but for some the price was high. Our self esteem was affected and it made it even more likely that we would end up in another relationship that did not honor the great people we were. Do we subconsciously seek out relationships and experiences that allow us to replay our childhoods? If we felt unloved as a child, as adults will we seek out that love with a stranger? The experts agree that there is some truth to that theory. Unfortunately for many, the people that they attempt to receive love from, are as emotionally unvailable as their caretakers, thus it becomes a catch 22. Only until we step back from our relationships and have the courage to look at them, will we see just how litttle trust some of us might have had. We come into this life alone and we die alone, yet in between we have the privilege to love and be loved. the great Carl Jung posited that without "you" there can be no real sense of "me." As human beings we do need interaction with other human beings. We all crave love and want to feel close to others. Yet, if we can not embrace our separateness, then we can never fully appreciate our togetherness. So many look at the periods when they are in between relationships as misery personified. They are "lonesome," and feel like they are in idle until they meet that special someone that will fill them up. Sadly, they miss a wonderful opportunity to build up a strong and loving relationship with themself. They never fully grasp the concept that the greater the relationship they build with themselves, the greater their future relationships with others can be. Today have the courage to examine your life. Are you happy with where it is going? Are you happy in your relationships? Is it hard to be alone? We don't have to be single to learn to trust ourselves. We have the ability to step back within a realtionship and reclaim ourselves at any given moment. Ask yourself honestly "do I trust myself?" Some people may shrug their shoulders and answer sheepishly, "I don't know." On the back of the dollar bill it says "In God we trust." we have seen it all whole lives, and we never question it. Most people simply trust in God, yet where is it written "trust in self"? Do we think it is selfish or narcissistic to place more trust in ourselves then those around us? Why can we not be autonomous first? Place trust in yourself first and you will see how much happier and healthier your relationships can be. Remember "In self we trust."

Living a balanced life

What does living a balanced life really mean? Our culture advocates doing things in moderation, yet for many that can be a challenging concept. Living a balanced life simply means giving equal power to both heaven and earth. We attempt to seek a happy medium, one which relies equally on God(or what ever entity you choose to call it) and ourselves. That sounds easy enough in theory, but it can often be daunting. When our lives feel out of sync, it could very well be that we have lost our equilibrium and need to regain or find a balance.

In this culture, we are taught to "turn things over." From an early age, we have all these balls trown at us. Eventually we begin to feel angry and restless in our lives, because we might be juggling ideas that don't necessarily align with our true selves. It is at this point we have what in psychology is coined as an "identity crisis." What does this really mean? It means that there is an inbalance within who we are and who we want to be. If we have allowed the world around us(e.g. family, friends, society, etc) to tell us who we "should" be, then our journey is not authentic and eventually a voice within tells us something is just not right. It can begin as a whisper, but eventually a crisis or trying event in our life will ignite that whisper into a loud, thundering scream. Unfortunately for many, the voice will be squelched and replaced with an addiction, or another distraction that continues the alienation from ones's true self. Why do we let others dictate our happiness? Why do we not follow our dreams because others might deem them as frivolous? So many people live an unauthentic life because they are living the life of other's expectations.

Many people may be at a crossroad in their life. A place where they are looking back in disappointment and forward with confusion. They question, how do I live my life differently? How do I live the rest of my life for myself and not for others? The answer is simple. Just do it and stop waiting for permission. We cannot expect someone to wave a magic wand over us and suddenly transform our lives. The power of change is not outside of us-it is within. The time to start is now with the firm resolve that no one but you can change your life. Acceptance is key. We cannot live our life with regret- it poisons the soul. We are here at this exact moment because we chose this path. Life did not just happen to us. we are not victims of our circumstances. For many that is often the most painful and difficult truth. To cognitively accept that they made every decision a long the path of their life can be both affirming and alarming.

The gift of life is that each day we can start over. we don't have to continue to make the same choices and walk down the same path. The greatest advice about spirituality that one can ever receive is that everyone has a different time table. You might look around you and see those that appear so "enlightened," while you feel like a car stuck in the mud. Stop comparing and searching to arrive at a place of enlightenment. Just accept yourself here in this moment and know that you will reach a place of balance. Your spirit is waking up and it might take a few cups of coffee to kick it into high gear..... Just breathe, laugh and keep moving forward.